What Would Noah Do?

13 Apr
An alternative imagining of the conversation between God and Noah


God: Noah?

Noah: Yes, Lord?

God: Make me an ark, Noah.

Noah: An ark, Lord?

God: An ark. And into this ark I command you to place two of every animal. Two sheep, two cows, two rats, two antelo-

Noah: Hold on, let me find a pencil.

God: Ready? Okay, I’ll continue. Two giraffes, two elepha-

Noah: Tricky.

God: Two elephants, two lions, two tigers, two velociraptors, two-

Noah: Veloci-what-nows?

God: Ha, don’t worry about those for the moment. Where was I? Oh yes, two sand vipers, two tree vipers, two sedge vipers, two swa-

Noah: What shall we call this ark? Can we call it the Skylark?

God: No. Two swamp vipers, two rough-scaled bush vipers, two Wagner’s vi-

Noah: What’s all this for, Lord?

God: Eh? What’s it for?

Noah: Yes, what’s it for?

God: Oh, okay, I mean to send a flood to wipe clean the sins of this Earth, and you are to save all my creatures to repopulate after the floods have receded.

Noah: Oh, right. Carry o- wait, what?

God: I’m going to wipe clean the sins of the Earth, and you are to save the creatures I wish to be saved. Two Wagner’s vipers, two Gaboon vipers, two-

Noah: This is going to be a big ark, what with all the people on it.

God: Two Levant vipers, two Eyelash bush vipers, two Gasc-

Noah: Lord?

God: -ony vipers, two Leaf-nosed vipers, two Mali carpet vipe-

Noah: Lord!

God: What? What is it?

Noah: You haven’t mentioned all the people yet.

God: Ah, yes. About that. All the people are going to drown.

Noah: What?!

God: Yes, drown. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’ll save you and your family, that’s what the ark is for. See? My love and mercy are infinite.

Noah: But why, Lord? Why are all the people going to drown?

God: Because they are sinners, of course! Just look at what they get up to in Sodom! Depraved, the lot of them!

Noah: But you’re still letting the bonobos and the mallards on, right?

God: Yes, of course. Now, where was I..?

Noah: No.

God: Mali carpet vipers, two horned vipers, two- wait, what do you mean, no?

Noah: I mean no, I’m not going to do it. I mean you’re supposed to be the loving God of forgiveness, and now you’re going to wipe out millions just for being the creatures you made them to be. Seems to me that says more about your shortcomings than theirs. So no, I’m not going to be a part of your twisted plan. It’s evil. Evil.

God: Noah?

Noah:   –

God: Noah? My son?

Noah: What is it, Lord?

God: Just kidding.

Noah: What?

God: Just kidding. I don’t really want you to help me wipe out mankind. It was just a… a test. Yes, that’s it. A test. And you passed! Hooray!

Noah: Really?

God: Really.

Noah: Wow Lord. That’s a relief. I was sure you wouldn’t really want to kill all your children just for being a bit unruly, but then you looked so serious-

God: Ha, of course not. It was all just a joke, uh, test. But… Noah?

Noah: Yes, Lord?

God: Don’t tell anyone about our conversation, will you? I mean, if this got out, people would think I was mad




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